Issue:
Sept, 2000
You are enjoying
a dinner party when, suddenly, you are called away from the
table. What should you do with
your napkin?
A. Take it with
you.
B. Place it on
your chair.
C. Put it lightly
folded to the left of your dinner plate.
D. Ask your neighbor
to hold it for you until you return.
If you already
know the correct answer, consider yourself an etiquette pro.
You may not even need to go out
and buy a copy of Sue Fox's book, Etiquette for Dummies. Then
again, this author--who is founder and
president of Etiquette Survival, Inc.--knows much about what
is tasteful and what is not at the dinner table,
right down to the daintiest details.
How, for instance,
should one eat a large stuffed olive? In two bites, rather
than one, Fox says. Or the salient
point of etiquette when eating with chopsticks? "Never
point, gesture, or talk" while using them, she cautions.
Not only is it outre, it could be dangerous.
Polite dining
at the table, Fox explains, is one of the behaviors that sets
human beings apart from animals
(as anyone who has ever slopped hogs will readily agree).
No matter, the human animal is the one most often
guilty of the ten most common dining sins, which Fox helpfully
points out:
10. Speaking
too loudly
9. Playing with
your hair or earrings, or touching your face and head
8. Pushing away
the plate or bowl when finished
7. Eating too
fast or too slowly
6. Using cell
phones and pagers while dining
5. Using poor
posture
4. Leaving your
purse, keys, sunglasses, or eyeglasses on the table
3. Leaning your
elbows on the table
2. Picking your
teeth
1. Talking with
food in your mouth and chewing with your mouth open.
After you have
eliminated these faux pas from your dining repertoire, it's
time to focus on technique,
something that we all might work harder at after we have cast
aside our baby spoons. In the United States and
Canada, the accepted technique for cutting rood is the zigzag,
Fox explains.
After cutting
one or two pieces of steak or whatever (never the whole shebang),
you lay the knife on the plate
near the top with the cutting edge facing in, then switch
the fork to your right hand. Most of us have that part
down. But where do you place your knife and fork when they
are not in use and you haven't finished your
meal? The answer is the "rest position," with fork
at a ten o'clock position through the center of the plate
and
the knife lying parallel to it but several inches to the northeast.
Don't put them too close together in the
middle of the plate (the "all done" position), or
else an overeager server may whisk them away prematurely.
Once you take
up fork and knife, they should ideally never touch the table
again during the meal. It's bad
form to leave your utensils with their handles on the table
and their tips propped on the plate.
This advice applies
as well to the European, or Continental, dining technique
in which the left hand holds the
fork and the right the knife. In this case, the rest position
has the knife and fork crossed in the middle of the
plate with the tines of the fork facing down. The "all
done" position has the handles extending off the plate
(but not on the table) and the fork, tines down, crossing
over the tip of the knife at the eight-and-two and
ten-and-four o'clock positions (see illustration).
Whether you're
eating American or European style, Fox cautions, "Remember
not to wave your utensils around
while you're talking. You're not conducting an orchestra!"
Should the breadbasket
be sitting in front of you, it's your responsibility to begin
passing it to the person on
your right. You are not to help yourself until the bread comes
back to you (if there is any left by that time).
As for soup, spoon
it away from you ... then sip from the side--not the point--of
the spoon. When finished, do
not leave the spoon in the cup or bowl; place it on the saucer
or plate beneath.
Gender Relations
We could go on
about table manners, but they are only one area where we must
watch our p's and q's. Gender
relations, especially these days, are another etiquette minefield
through which the author leads us safely.
Believe it or not, "gentlemanly courtesy" is still
in vogue, according to Ms. Fox. Yet it varies with the situation.
When walking along city streets, for example, a man should
walk on the street side to keep a woman from
being splashed, unless the neighborhood is potentially unsafe;
then he should walk on the building side to
keep her from being mugged. When entering an elevator, the
man should go first to clear the way. A man
should precede a woman when walking down stairs (presumably
so that the man can catch her if she
stumbles). But if you are sharing an umbrella, the taller
of the two should hold the umbrella. And men, "when
dealing with a woman who is unable to accept a man's courtesies
gracefully, consider her unpleasantness as a
failing on her part, not on yours." So there!
Don't Trip Over
the Net
In another chapter,
Fox addresses the polite navigation of cyberspace, otherwise
known as the rules of
"etiquette." If you are a stickler for spelling
and grammar, corresponding on the Internet can be an
excruciating experience. But it's bad manners to "gloat,
taunt, or lord it over" others when pointing out
someone's spelling or grammar error.
"If someone
writes `compleat' instead of `complete,' is it really necessary
to say anything?" Fox asks.
"Probably
not." Correcting everyone else (even though you know
you're right) "can be downright annoying and
rude in and of itself!" Besides, your correction might
easily contain a grammar gremlin of its own, a frequent
occurrence in Internet "flaming contests."
Another net suggestion:
DON'T WRITE IN ALL CAPS because, writes Fox, "IT LOOKS
AS IF YOU ARE
SHOUTING."
It's All in
the Hands
Back in the bricks-and-mortar
world, face-to-face contacts also have etiquette repercussions,
especially in
business, where fortunes may hang on a handshake. Ms. Fox
describes blow by blow how to deliver that
handshake just right: "You should grip the other person's
hand so that the webs of your thumbs meet. Shake
firmly just a couple of times and end the handshake cleanly,
before the introduction is over. You perform this
motion from the elbow, not the shoulder. A good handshake
is held for three or four seconds." (You might
want to practice this at home.)
Making introductions
is another area of rampant etiquette shortcomings. Even though
the practice is more
casual these days than in the past, "a few rules do persist,"
Fox says.
A. "Always
introduce the lower-ranking person to the higher-ranking
person.... Introducing your boss to a junior
colleague is a breach of etiquette."
B. "Always
present a man to a woman. (In business, this rule applies
only if she holds a more prestigious
position than he does.)"
C. "In
the case of two women or two men, who is introduced to whom
doesn't make a difference, unless one
person is much older, such as an elderly grandmother. In
that case, present the younger person to the older
person."
D. "Introduce
the younger person to the older one out of respect."
Be prepared to
shake hands with anyone you meet, Fox says. But don't make
the common mistake of saying,
"Pleased to meet you" when you first meet someone.
"The only correct way to acknowledge an introduction
is
to say, `How do you do?' Try not to say, `Pleased to meet
you,' `My pleasure,' or `Pleased to make your
acquaintance,' because these statements may not be true after
you get to know the person."
We won't repeat
here in gritty detail Fox's advice on sneezing, belching,
indigestion, and barfing. It might not
be polite. However, her counsel on spilling and tipping (as
in tipping over the salt) is also instructive and
includes this caution to men about the propriety of certain
mopping-up operations:
"There are,
in some circumstances, quick-thinking men who are willing
to rush to the rescue of a woman
dampened by a careless spill. Well-motivated though he may
be, a gentleman should not mop off a lady's
dampened clothing with a handy napkin. In the excitement of
the rescue, unwanted familiarities may ensue.
In other words, hands off, guys."
Which returns
us to the subject of the dinner napkin and its proper use.
It is unnecessary to fully open a large
napkin, Fox notes; just fold it in half. You can, however,
completely open a smaller luncheon napkin. But, "no
matter what the occasion, you should not flap your napkin
around like a flag before placing it in your lap, and
men should not tuck their napkins into their shirts like a
bib," Fox writes. Also, NEVER use a napkin to wipe off
lipstick or to blow your nose!
And when you do
have to leave the table during a meal, the proper place to
leave your napkin is (B), on your
chair.
If you missed
this one, Etiquette for Dummies is available in the dummies
section at most bookstores. This
book can give you added confidence in many social situations
at home and at work. Not only is Etiquette for
Dummies an entertaining and useful guide to improved manners,
it may also make you laugh. Just don't
laugh with your mouth full!
UNDERSTANDING
EUROPEAN AND AMERICAN EATING STYLES
The finish position
in American-style dining.
When you are finished
with a course, place your knife and fork on your plate at
the angle shown. This position
means you are finished.
On a clock, it
would look like the 10:20 position. Tips of knife and fork
at the ten, and ends of handles at the
four.
The rest position
in American-style dining.
Use it if you
are talking, drinking, using your napkin.
The rest position
in European-style dining.
The knife and
fork are crossed on the plate, fork on top, tines pointed
down.
On a clock, the
tines of the fork face two, and the handle faces eight. The
tip of the knife faces the ten, and
the handle faces the four. This position means you are not
finished yet!
COPYRIGHT 2000
Saturday Evening Post Society
COPYRIGHT 2000 Gale Group
